The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

+ 1 The Philadelphia Museum of Art names Timothy Rub, CEO of the Cleveland Museum of Art, as its new director. "Anyone mind if I plunk this bronze statue of Drew Carey out front?"

- 3 Fishtown residents complain that there are no safe community pools in walking distance of their neighborhood. "We are actually fish," say Fishtowners. "Ours is a town where fish live. We will not take this sitting down. Because we are fish. And fish cannot sit."

- 1 Friends of Philly Zoo Elephants are unhappy the Zoo moved its last two elephants to a conservation center in western Pennsylvania, preferring a larger one in California. "Nobody wants to be friends with a hippo," says sad hippo.

- 4 A panel says Judge Willis W. Berry Jr. broke the law by running a real estate business out of his chambers. "For the last time," says judge. "It was a euphemism!"

+ 3 Sen. Arlen Specter says the city will receive $500,000 in federal funding for the sound-activated ShotSpotter Gunshot Location System. "Or as I like to call it," says Specter, "the NRA Friend Finder."

+ 1 Cole Hamels and wife Heidi Strobel-Hamels are expecting their first child. To come rocketing out at 95 miles per hour.

0 The Fraternal Order of Police looks to end a long-standing requirement that officers live in the city. Next item: Do we really need to patrol there?

- 4 The contract for the city's 20,000 union workers expires, with no foreseeable deals or strikes. "Truly these are uncharted waters," says Mayor Nutter. "I think I will pee in them."

- 5 Some 40,000 students report for summer school. Sadly, another couple hundred reported for mummer school by mistake.

+ 2 A police dog chases down two men who allegedly hit a police cruiser with a stolen car. The case was thrown out, however, when a video turned up of the arresting officer humping a beanbag chair.

Total for the Week: -10

Last Week's Total: -13