If you have money, you want your New Year's Eve to be far removed from the sloppy-kissing Mummer dorks and smeary lipstick hos in Chess King mall-finery. So that you can act like a slobbering asshole yourself, of course. With a fancier-grade hors d'oeuvre stuck between your teeth. With a top-shelf liquor on your breath. With cover bands you've never heard or will want to hear again. In a better suit or gown.

8 p.m.-2 a.m., $125, National Constitution Center, 525 Arch St., www.nyephilly.com

Such a gorgeous backdrop the NCC must be. Now you can get all drunk, yak on a Ben Franklin display and bid on Robbins Jewelers gift certificates while the sonorous tones of CTO Manhattan blare on. The suit-and-black-tie optional affair promises justice and liberty along with specialty martini bars. Isn't this what we fought the Hessians for?

8 p.m.-2 a.m., $110-$125, Franklin Institute, 222 N. 20th St., 215-448-1200

This first-ever black-tie Atomic Ball promises to be a tony affair wherein you, the VIP, can finally fuck a date in the human heart exhibit like you always wanted. (Get 'em in the aorta—ladies love it.) Along with what promises to be a NASA-nostalgic space theme, single revelers can also hit up the skinned-bloody specimens in the anatomically correct Body Worlds exhibition. Guaranteed: Someone is going to hump a dead person.

9 p.m.-2 a.m., $98, Philadelphia Art Alliance and Le Jardin, 251 S. 18th St., 267-303-4728

Your favorite modeling agency/PR firm promises a celeb-packed, mostly singles bash in the 12-plus room mega-mansion with scads of themed open bars, free cigars and butlers' snacks. While models see that your coat is safely checked, Renamity gives money to Temple's Sbarro Health Research Organization by selling Renamity bandlets to singles (the scarlet letter!).

9 p.m.-2 a.m., $20-$35, 32°, 16 S. Second St., 215-627-3132; 32°, Quarter at the Tropicana, Atlantic City, N.J., 609-572-0032

In lieu of the private, supa-exclusive NYE parties that don't actually exist this season, the best way to be alone in public is to hit the VIP lounges. 32°'s bash is torn between Old City and its location atop a casino in A.C. Something weird: At first glance, Luxe's fliers seemed to offer DJ Ronnie D in both locations. Was he to be the Phil Collins of New Year's Eve? Then another flyer came along announcing DJ Rico as the man on the wheels in A.C. And my Concorde dreams were dashed.

10 p.m.-3:30 a.m., $125-$150, Denim, 1712 Walnut St., 215-735-6700

For Denim, the biggest lounge with the privatest nooks on Walnut, Three holds the promise of, according to the flier, something "no one else in the city is doing." Wait. Offering free blow to snort from bare-assed hookers? Nah. Pictures of owner Wayne Schulick naked? Probably—but it ain't advertised. "We are partying until 3:30." OK. I'll take that.

9 p.m.-2 a.m., $99-$110, Doubletree Hotel, Broad and Locust sts., www.broadstreetbash.com

You couldn't resist. Even with your good fortune and your Armani, you see a Mummer and you turn into a Two Streeter at the thought of being able to dress up and get a prime spot on the parade route. Go ahead—drink up, Irishman. See you on the sidewalk.