Even with global warming, it's too damned cold to be outside on New Year's Eve. We say grab the bubbly, point it at the person you despise the most and ring in 2006 with your closest commiserates. Amidst the crack of lobster claws, add a touch of drama to the festivities by dressing as the suspects from Clue while unraveling the mystery of the classic board game. After the culprit's apprehension, follow the adventures of Jack Bauer with a DVD marathon of 24, the perfect show for a night when everyone's obsessed with time. Let iTunes DJ the whole shindig with more renditions of "Auld Lang Syne" (Phish, The Beach Boys, Jimi Hendrix and a room-clearing version by Kenny G) than you can shake a melon baller at.

Television didn't forget your invitation to the party should you find yourself flying solo. Make up a list of people not getting Christmas cards next year and take your pick of male escorts to the main event in Times Square (Regis, Carson or Dick). If you've already had your fill of dropped balls this Eagles season, divert your attention from the slack-jawed masses gazing at the descending disco ball with Madden 2006, and dream of what might have been as T.O. catches touchdown passes from Donovan McNabb with nary a contract dispute. Toss your controller aside in triumph, switch on BBC America and shout as loud as you want—no one will hear you quote along with 16 hours of Monty Python sketches. Not feeling celebratory? Turner Classic Movies satisfies your secret desire to end it all with its apocalyptic-flicks marathon. Should you crave human contact, the Internet provides many avenues for gratification. Invite someone on Adult Friend Finder over to your bunker-like lair for resolution-making. Or, if you're really stuck for something to do, pull your head and fuck-the-world attitude out of the oven and masturbate… or read.